Doctors with the Surgeon General’s staff have released a report linking the formation of cataracts to chronic masturbation. This discovery has come as a terrible shock to many adolescent teens and as scientific affirmation to parents and grandparents alike.
This report is the result of a decades-long study of the sexual deviance of individuals and the eventual decline of their eye sight over time. The data shows a strong correlation between masturbation and the eventual formation of cataracts.
The report states:
It has become increasingly clear that the old wive’s tale of masturbation making one “go blind” rings true. As the frequency of masturbation increases during the adolescent years, the probability of forming cataracts increases dramatically.
The most shocking results of this study is that this relationship follows a steep curve. If an individual masturbates once a week, they then have a 96% chance of having cataracts by the age of 70. If an individual masturbates twice a week or more, then they are 100% likely to develop cataracts by the same age.
As the frequency of masturbation increases beyond twice a week, then probability of developing cataracts earlier in life increases. Our studies show that anyone who masturbates daily is bound to develop cataracts before having a mid-life crisis.
This study does not offer a definitive explanation for the connection between “playing with yourself” and loss of sight. However, theories are provided in attempt to possibly explain the connection.
The most promising theory is that the physical and chemical expenditure of masturbation at such a pivotal developmental stage leaves the individual’s body lacking, providing a foundation for cataracts to form later in life.
Another theory is that this depletion allows the devil an opportunity to infect your eyes with his evil, planting the seeds of cataracts deep within the ocular lens.
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