Essential oils have become an important part of many people’s lives. These distilled oils are often believed to possess remarkable powers. The abilities of these oils were thought to be nothing more than coincidental superstition, until now.
Professor Wednesday Smith, a researcher and educator at the Berkeley Center for Holistic Medicine, has released a report indicating conclusive evidence that many of the claims about essential oils are true.
This report examines a total of 37 common essential oils and provides strong evidence of their biological and pharmacological effects on the human body. These effects vary from improving the individual’s immune system to protecting them from dangerous germs and viruses with their pleasant aromas.
“We examined the effects of thieves oil on the human body,” Prof. Smith told the press, referring to the mythological oils used by thieves to safely rob victims of the black plague. “We’re pretty sure it protects the immune systems and stuff that it essentially makes a person bulletproof. Literally.”
This new data can also be used to formulate new mixtures of essential oils with astounding effects on the human body. “I have pretty much made myself into a superhero,” Prof. Smith explained. “I have the mind of Einstein, the healing powers of Wolverine, the reflexes and senses of Spider man, and the bulletproof skin of Superman.”
However, the question of why these miracle oils are not widely accepted remains. “Big Pharma doesn’t want us to know,” Prof. Smith explained her theory to the press. “There’s more money in mystery pills that treat the symptom than squeezing the essence from plants to cure the disease.”
Prof. Smith is currently designing new formulas for essential oils that she hopes will allow her to levitate and possess x-ray vision.
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